Stumpy's Favorite Southern Sayings

  • I won't say it's far, but I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.
  • Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
  • If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the state line.
  • We were so poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
  • He looks like he was inside the outhouse when lightening struck.
  • She looks like she was born down wind from the outhouse.
  • Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
  • Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
  • Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  • Scared as a sinner in a cyclone.
  • Scared as a cat at the dog pound.
  • Pregnant before marriage: They ate supper before they said grace.
  • She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
  • He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes.
  • So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye.
  • She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her.
  • He looks like the dogs have been keepin' him under the porch.
  • He's about as sharp as a mashed potato.
  • So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.
  • It'll last about as long as a fart in a whirlwind.
  • He's rough as a corn cob.
  • He's got enough money to burn a wet mule.
  • He's about as sharp as a bag full of wet mice.
  • It's as dry as the dust in a mummy's pocket.
  • It's about as scarce as bird crap in a cuckoo clock.
  • He's as tight as the pages in a book.
  • Tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.
  • This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford.
  • Hotter than a Laredo parking lot in the summertime.
  • It’s hot enough to peel house paint.
  • Running like a squirrel in a cage.
  • Safe as a tick on a dog with a stiff neck.
  • Dumb as a bag full of hammers.
  • She's just naturally horizontal.
  • Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes.
  • He couldn't find his ass with a flashlight in each hand.
  • He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel.
  • If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about half an acre
  • So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock.
  • It's so foggy, the birds are walkin'
  • Tighter than bark on a tree
  • As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
  • Her hair looks like a cats been suckin' on it.
  • We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse.
  • As bad-off as a rubber-nosed woodpecker in a petrified forest.
  • As confused as a cow on astroturf.
  • It was so hot you could pull a baked potato right out of the ground.
  • It's so dry the trees are whistling for the dogs.
  • Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
  • If things get any better around here, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
  • Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!
  • Cute as a box full of puppies.
  • You can't get rid of 'em. He's like a booger you can't thump off.
  • It's about as hard as trying to steer a herd of cats.
  • The wheels still turning, but the hamster's dead.
  • I'll beat you so bad you'll feel like you were ate by wolves and shit over a cliff.
  • He's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass.
  • She was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
  • There are a lot of nooses in his family tree.
  • So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
  • I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.
  • He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
  • So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
  • So dry I'm spitting cotton.
  • Hot as a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July.
  • So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
  • Cold as a frosted frog
  • Cold as an ex-wife's heart
  • Cold as a cast iron commode
  • Cold as a banker's heart
  • She's about as useful as buttons on a dishrag.
  • He's tougher than a two-dollar steak
  • Happy as a puppy with two tails
  • She’s got enough wrinkles to hold an eight-day rain.
  • That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!
  • He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kickin contest!
  • He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.
  • That politician’s so crooked he could hide behind a cork screw!
  • That baby was so ugly the Doctor spanked the Momma!
  • She’s so ugly she’s got ten-foot pole marks all over her.
  • It’s rainin’ so hard it sounds like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
  • He’s so bad off, his eyes looked like two piss-holes in a snowbank.
  • Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
  • Her hair looks like it caught on fire and somebody put it out with a brick.
  • He couldn’t find his rear with his hands in his back pockets.
  • It’s raining so hard the animals are starting to pair up.
  • His pants were so tight that if he farted, he’d blow his boots off.
  • Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.
  • He’s so skinny, his pants had only one back pocket.
  • She’s so fat, it takes two dogs to bark at her.
  • He was mean enough to hunt bears with a hickory switch.
  • He was ugly as a burnt boot.
  • Tougher than the back end of a shootin' gallery.
Author Comments: 

Sources: Texas Monthly, Dan Rather, Foghorn Leghorn, Harry Truman, etc...

This is an awesome list. I love it.
My favorite's probably "We were so poor my brother and me had to ride double on our stick horse."


Great list. One I loved that my Dad (Okie) used was "If she goes any slower, she'll have to go backward to keep on moving."
Another one is "So cold, trout are tap dancing."

Of your list, my favorite was "mama takes him everywhere"

46,000+ reads keeps this online.

56,000 reads still keeps this online.

How about: "Slower than molasses going uphill in the sand" ? :)

Let's keep adding to these! I'm from SC, and just moved to Utah... these are priceless to me now!

These were great! I was surprised by the number that I HADN'T heard and I'm lived in Alabama, Georgia and Tennessee. Here's another list of southern sayings:

Movie quotes that sound like southern expressions to my ears:

"quiet as an ant pissing on cotton" -- Heist (2001)

"Hungry! Shit, I could eat a frozen dog." -- Goin' South (1978)