Like You've Never Been Hurt
Note: While all the other creative writing I have posted has been published in my school's literary magazine, this one has not been screened by anyone. Thus, I'm not sure if it's any good. Constructive criticism is welcome.
Like You've Never Been Hurt by AJ
With nothing to grab onto,
It is always tough to leap
You interpret winks and smiles
The shallow could be deep
She builds walls with her words
You don’t know what they’ll allow
The one problem with hindsight
Is that you can’t see it now
You want a bit more than a hint
You're standing on the shoulders of midgets
Perhaps she also estimates
The probability in digits
Don’t bother buying bandages
Your love just can’t aspire
You could reach up for the stars
And die a grisly death in a white dwarf's blazing gaseous fire
Can you ever be so sure?
Is certainty romantic?
Is hard-to-get arousing?
Are these thoughts too pedantic?
The end could just get worse
You still haven't a clue
Do you savor blasé kisses?
Does she make love or make do?
Constructive criticism? Okay. Not that I'm a master at writing poetry, mind you, but:
'Perhaps she also estimates / The probability in digits' is a strange and irrelevant phrase that seems only to exist because you needed something to rhyme with 'midgets' and you couldn't part ways with that line. I think you could've come up with something better, or found it necessary to 'kill your darlings.'
'And die a grisly death in a white dwarf's blazing gaseous fire' - I just don't understand this line at all.
I'd answer 'yes' to #4, but originality isn't necessarily the point (and, might be impossible in this age, anyway). I don't feel you're trying to break new ground here, though perhaps you have with the white dwarf line :-)
Perhaps I'm just not seeing it, but your poem appears to lack focus. It sounds like an all-fronts complaint against various problems with love instead of building to a specific point. But then, maybe this wouldn't be a problem at all if you simply added another stanza that tied it all together.
Be sure to take these criticisms with a lot of salt, I'm certainly not the expert, here.
Thanks for the comments. I know what the "focus" is in my mind and what those two lines mean, but I'm not sure how well it comes across here. I'm going to send you an e-mail explaining those things, in an effort not to "give everything away" right underneath the poem. Then you can tell me if you still feel that the poem doesn't really get those things across.
Well, I will say one thing here. A white dwarf is a kind of star. As in, in the sky. As in, a very hot ball of gas. It's supposed to be ironic with the previous line, which reflects optimism.
white dwarf makes a little more sense now, but still seems out of place, especially to your rhythm.
Oh yeah. That line was definitely intended to stick out like a sore thumb. An extended agonized rant, of sorts.
BTW, have you read the poems I've posted on Listology? I'd love to hear your comments on them.
I'll see what I can come up with.