Favorite Simpsons Quotes
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket]
Homer : I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer : Uhh... Shiney McShine.
Homer : God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
Ned Flanders : Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
Homer : [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge : Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer : I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...
Homer : Mmm, sacrilicious.
Kent Brockman : Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.
Chief Wiggum : Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer?
Lisa : I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer : That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
Homer : Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.
Homer : Please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
Billy Corgan : Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer : Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Lisa's Brain : They're only pretending to be your friends because of the pool.
Lisa : Shut up, brain. I don't need you any more, I'm popular now.
Homer : Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
Homer : D'oh!
Marge : My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby : Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
Marge : Bart, stop pestering Satan.
Homer : Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
Bart : Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer : Do I have to sit up?
Bart : No.
Homer : Knock yourself out.
Marge : Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy : That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.
Homer : Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way.
Homer : [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.
Homer : Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]
Chief Wiggum : I hope this has taught you kids a leason: kids never learn.
Homer : Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa : Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer : It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond : I'll take a hit, dealer.
[Homer deals Bond a card]
James Bond : Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer : Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card]
James Bond : What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him]
James Bond : But... but wait. It was Homer's fault. I can't lose. I never lose.
[Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino]
James Bond : At least tell me your plans for world domination.
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.
Homer's ghost : Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge : Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost : Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.
[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer : They're milking rats. Rats.
Mayor Quimby : [to Fat Tony] Rats? You promised me dog or higher.
Lisa : Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer : Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
Homer : Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa : How so dad?
Homer : Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa : How does that make him a hero?
Homer : Well it's more then you've done.
Homer : Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.
Sunday School Teacher : Ralph, Jesus didn't have wheels.
Ned Flanders : Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer : I hope it was Flanders.
Maude Flanders : Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders : No foot-longs.
Maude Flanders : I know, they make you uncomfortable.
Homer : You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American wa
Miss Springfield: Gentlemen, start your whacking.
Homer : Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name?
Homer : ...I don't know.
Homer Simpson : Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Marge Simpson : Go crazy?
Homer Simpson : Don't mind if I do.
***Selected from the IMDB list, through "Eat my shorts." (this is a work in progress)***