Top Ten Saturday Night Live Fey/Fallon Weekend Update Jokes

  • TINA FEY: At a South Dakota school this week, a police officer roamed the school with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school past with flying colors when concerned students spotted the gun and shot him.
  • TINA FEY: After experiencing chest pains Monday, Vice president Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Center. When asked how Cheney's angina would affect the administration, President Bush confidently told reporters, "Boys don't have anginas!"
  • TINA FEY: A female version of viagra is expected to be released next year with the promise of giving women faster arousal and better orgasms. The pill is so strong, doctor's warn the increased speed of arousal might cause Christina Aguilera's vagina to time travel.
  • JIMMY FALLON: Over the past few weeks, Hollywood has done what it can do to cater to a more sensitive national audience. Many sitcoms edited out individual jokes it thought would be offensive, while Inside Schwartz boldly did away with humor altogether.
  • JIMMY FALLON: Sesame Street Workshop announced this week that they are laying off sixty workers. News of the firings was brought to employees by the letters F and U.
  • JIMMY FALLON: The Brazilian city of Esparantina announced that Orgasm Day will be celebrated on May 9, they hope you come.
  • TINA FEY: According to a report released Tuesday, Female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state except Minnesota. So, ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don't want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota-Land of 10,000 lakes!
  • TINA FEY: Citing the high cost of the series and its low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has canceled the long-running series Baywatch. That leaves men who like big, fake boobs to watch VIP, Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, Search Party, Extra, MTV Spring Break, MTV's Making The Video, Wild On E!, Howard Stern, Silk Stockings, G-String Divas, The Man Show, Unhappily Ever After, Blind Date, Bowflex Infomercials, Cleopatra 2525, the XFL, the NFL, Sabado Gigante, Temptation Island, Charmed, wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime, or commercials
  • FEY: During an interview this week, Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friends with Michael Jackson, stating, 'I think we understand each other in a way that most people can't understand either of us.' He then added, 'Basically, we both still wish I was nine.'
  • FEY: Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9.. This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore.
Author Comments: 

WARNING: Some of these jokes are very dirty.

that list was a RIOT. thanks bud

My favorite Tina Fey joke goes like this (forgive me, I'm paraphrasing): A man in Michigan was arrested after his neighbors caught him having sex with a pumpkin. The strangest thing about the whole incident was he was having anal sex.

Fallon had a good one about Snoop Dogg's favorite automobile magazine: "Drivven N' Zizan Magazzizzin"