Quotes from the Hogfather, for Jentle

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  • One should always be wary of people who talk unashamedly of 'fellowship and good cheer' as if it were something that can be applied to life like a poultice. Turn your back for a moment and they may well organize a maypole dance and, frankly, there's no option then but to try and make it to the tree line.
  • The Cheerful Fairy was quite short and plump in a tweed skirt and shoes so sensible they could do their own tax returns, and was pretty much like the first teacher you get at school, the one who has special training in dealing with nervous incontinence and little boys whose contribution to the wonderful world of sharing consists largely of hitting a small girl repeatedly over the head with a wooden horse.
  • Like many barmen, Igor kept a club under the bar to deal with those little upsets that occurred around closing time, although in fact Biers never closed and no one could ever remember not seeing Igor behind the bar. Nevertheless, things sometimes got out of hand. Or paw. Or talon.
    Igor's weapon of choice was a little different. It was tipped with silver (for werewolves), hung with garlic (for vampires) and wrappedaround with a strip of blanket (for bogeymen). For everyone else the fact that it was two feet of solid bog-oak usually sufficed.
  • The Archchancellor pointed dramatically skyward.
    'To the laundry!' he said.
    'It's downstairs, Ridcully,' said the Dean.
    'Down to the laundry!'
    'And you know Mrs. Whitlow doesn't like us going in there,' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
    'And who is Archchancellor of this University, may I ask?' said Ridcully. 'Is it Mrs Whitlow? I don't think so! Is it me? Why, how amazing, I do believe it is!'
    'Yes, but you know what she can be like,' said the Chair.
    'Er, yes, that's true--' Ridcully began.
    'I believe she's gone to her sister's for the holiday,' said the Bursar.
    'We certainly don't have to take orders from any kind of housekeeper!' said the Archchancellor. 'To the laundry!'
    The wizards surged out excitedly, leaving Susan, the oh god, the Verruca Gnome and the Hair Loss Fairy.
    'Tell me again who those people were,' said the oh god.
    'Some of the cleverest men in the world,' said Susan.
    'And I'm sober, am I?'
    'Clever isn't the same as sensible,' said Susan, 'and they do say that if you wish to walk the path to wisdom then for the first step you must become as a small child.'
    'Do you think they've heard about the second step?'
    Susan sighed. 'Probably not, but sometimes they fall over it while they're running around shouting.'
  • Books lay open, piled on one another. They were the ones Susan had never learned to read. Some of the characters hovered above the pages or moved in complicated little patterns as they read you while you read them.
Author Comments: 

HO HO HO.

heeep!

Although the penultimate one possibly slays only me because I have spent my entire life working in academia.