Ongoing list of movie reviews
Submitted by darktremor on Tue, 06/15/2004 - 08:19
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- Alright. This should be the most endless list ever, once it's done. Apparently, that seems to be what I do here - endless lists. I'm planning on adding one movie a week, at the very least. I'll go newest to oldest, adding new reviews at the top. They will be rated out of 5 stars.
- Kung Fu Hustle
- It's an extremely well-made absurdist kung-fu movie. You already know what I'm going to say about it, so I won't even bother with a review. (You'll probably enjoy it anyway, even if you're not a kung-fu or absurdist humour fan, as it nails both elements perfectly)
- 5 stars
- Opinion change: Alien versus Predator
- I watched this movie again, this time without being exhausted and barely able to focus. Wow. I can't believe anythign that unprofessional and badly made even made it into theatres. The number of problems with this movie is so unbearably huge, that I'm not even going to bother listing them. I'll name a few major ones though: 1)Not one actor with the tiniest hint of talent. 2)Possibly 3 lines in the entire movie that didn't make me want to take my own life on hearing. 3)Special effects that take abysmal to an entirely new level. Uh.. it hurts just typing this...watching one of the best sci-fi series' of all time being brutally destroyed like this...I mean, there was another mistake in this movie every ten seconds. I came to the conclusion about 20 minutes through that the movie itself was a mistake, and the moments where things actually worked or made sense were glitches in the formula. Nothing in my next hour-something of torment did anything to convince me otherwise. An infant could have made a better movie, and that would have been a wise choice compared to te inept moron they hired as "director."
- ZERO stars. I would give it -5000000000 if I possibly could.
- Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
- Uh. After seeing some great sequels and follow-ups this year (Spiderman 2, Hero, Kill Bill Pt. 2, Shrek 2, etc), I was almost thinking it might be safe to start watching them again. Why did I see this? WHY? Lets see...paper-thin plot, annoying characters, the weakest writing I've ever seen...hmmmm...Well at least we get to see them being torn apart, right? A fun splatterfest? Even this eluded Anacondas: 4 of the character survive at the end!!!!! FOUR!!! (*pulls out hair*) That, and the fact that this whole movie was horribly gore-censored (ie: camera turns away at the kill-moment). And the snakes. Good god no. They were like diet versions of the ones in Anaconda. I remember seeing first snake set on fire, whacked with a pitchfork, smashed into everything, and it STILL kept going. In Anacondas, all they have to do is whack it, and it goes down. Please tell me - what was the point? Why did they make this movie?
- Summary: The most cliche movie of the summer, minus the movie part.
- 0.1 star, since at least some of them die.
- Hero
- Absolutely wonderful. This movie is, quite possibly, the best movie of the entire summer, with MAYBE the exception of Spiderman 2. Beautifully choreography, wonderfully acted, with a brilliant story that could only have come from Quentin Tarantino. All filmed with poetic cinematography. Everything I loved about Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and more. Although the characters were slightly weaker (did they have to kill him 4 times? The drama lost most of it's touch by the last one.), the plot was more enthralling, with an ending that reesonates long after the credits. Another incredible martial arts epic to add to my list of personal favorites.
- 5 stars, but 4.5 if you're not a massive kung fu fan.
- Spiderman 2
- I wrote further down that Shrek 2 was the sequel to end all sequels. Well, to tell you honestly I lied. Spiderman 2 is the sequel to end all sequels. It succeeds in every way the first movie did, and more. Incredible performances all across the board (characters you truly care about), excellent writing and storyline, more human, touching, exciting, and engaging than any other movie released all summer. So good, in fact, that I would say it falls into the category of an "action art flick". I actually can't think of a single complaint about Spiderman 2. There is little I can say about it that hasn't already been said - the PERFECT superhero movie. Summary: If a superhero movie was going to win Oscars, this would be it. (The next Batman?)
- 5 stars
- Alien Vs. Predator
- Every year there is (at least) one movie that critics brutally and unforgivingly destroy, while missing the point of watching it entirely. Alien vs. Predator is that movie. Granted, it doesn't quite live up to the incredible Alien or the Predator series, and the missing actors is close to unforgivable, but you don't go into any movie with vs. in the title expecting that anyway. You go in expecting a battle-happy silly little special effects bonanza. And that's exactly what you get. The new actors are decent (but not great - just passable). I actually thought the plot added to the Predator series - it was an interesting storyline, with quite a fun little setting (that pyramid would make a nice theme-park ride). Minor Annoyance: why were there drill marks along the side of the LASER hole? A fun summer movie, and little else.
- 3 stars
- 13 Going on 30
- While an okay movie, I found it really tiresome to watch at many points. This was a remake (well, more of a reworking) that certainly didn't need to be made. The writing was inconsistent - sometimes funny and cute, sometimes annoying and cringe-inducing, and the plot was actually not bad. Jennifer Garner was good in this movie - does the role perfectly in fact, but this is offset by having a character that is entirely dislikable until much later in the movie. (That and I HATED the line that brings her into the future, which she repeats something like 10 times, and the kid at the beginning wasn't that great.). Also, 13 Going on 30 contained the one scene that most annoys me in a movie - the "musical introduction." A scene in which someone goes into a room full of people, then puts on some average pop music, and suddenly everyone is insanely happy and goes "OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING MY WHOLE LIFE!!! WHY HAVEN'T I HEARD THIS BEFORE!!!" Embarrassment ensues f (This is surprisingly common, although it's mostly limited to bad kids movies - it was in Agent Cody Banks 2, Harriet the Spy, and many other movies along those lines). Although in 13 Going on 30, they used the Thriller, which is indeed an amazing song. (on a personal note, did this movie have to attack trance music? Twice? "This has no melody, that's why people are leaving" - the song hadn't STARTED yet. Then they attack it again later by associating it with WAY over the top materialistic culture in the "bad girl"'s presentation - just give the poor genre a break!). Anyways, back off my little rant, this was a decent, if unmemorable movie. It doesn't hold a candle to Big.
- 2 stars, although if I didn't hate that one scene so much, 2 1/2 stars
- Garfield
- All I have to say is good God NO!!! Not only did they butcher one of the most loved comics of all time, they butchered the idea of children's movies in general. Annoyingly acted (all the animal's voices specifically), in the wonderful tradition of Homeward Bound, poorly written, entirely unfaithful to the comics, with a close to non-existant plot, and more jokes that fall flat (or are so lame that you question if they even existed in this disaster to begin with) than any other movie I've ever seen in my entire life...hmmm...I would have to say this is the low point of the normally fantastic Bill Murray's career (fresh off the success of Lost in Translation, and he does THIS???). What was he THINKING when he agreed to do this movie? The only good thing about Garfield was the length - incredibly short by modern standards, and even still I was wishing for the end through most of the movie. This would have been a great movie if it had been even shorter. And by that I mean ZERO minutes or less.
- 0 stars
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
- This is the third Harry Potter movie, for everyone living under a particularly isolated undersea rock. But the real questions were, for weeks until the movie surfaced, could it live up to the hype? Could the series survive aging characters, a change of director (to one known for edgy and over-artsy films, no less), and a loss of their Dumbledore? I went into the theatre really dubious about this one. However, I walked out totally surprised. This was, without a doubt, the best Harry Potter movie of the series. New director Alfonso Cuaron has turned it into what it always should have been - a dark fantastic journey through a world of magic. Many people complained about the black atmosphere of this movie, but I totally disagree. That was EXACTLY was the series needed. In fact, at the first appearance of the Dementors (ringwraith-like creatures who suck out the souls of their victims), it was so skillfully directed, that even I felt chills watching it (I'm not usually affected by movies ever). The new Dumbledore was almost indiscernable from the last one - I only noticed the change at all once I started watching really closely for it - and even then, barely. The parts were all well-acted, as always with this series. In fact, the characters were far stronger in this one, as it relied less on special effects, more on acting and development. My only real complaint (besides a few minor problems) was the amount of clipping. From a fan of the books, the movie could have, and should have been longer. Too much was taken out. This makes me really worry about the 4th movie, based on a book far longer than the first 3. Consensus: The best of the series, a fantastic movie in fact, but somewhat over-clipped.
- 4 1/2 stars
- Shrek 2
- The sequel to end all sequels! I don't think I've ever seen a sequel this good before, except maybe Star Wars and Indiana Jones. If the first movie was funny, this movie was ****ing hilarious. It succeeds in every way the first movie did, and more. It had all the charm, more pop culture references than Scary Movie (albeit much better done), and a genius sense of comic wit. While Donkey stole the show of the first movie, he's one-upped this time by the incredibly funny Puss-In-Boots (played marvelously by Antonio Banderas). There's so much I can say that's good about this movie, in summary, just see it! (This could possibly be the best summer movie, although I've got pretty high hopes for Spiderman 2). Oh yeah, and the graphics were amazing. Can't forget those.
- 4 1/2 stars
- The Terminal
- Let me summarize the plot (no real spoilers don't worry - you can see this in the trailers). Guy goes to airport. Guy gets stuck at airport. Guy joins airport. Guy runs into simple, meaningless problems at airport. Guy leaves airport. Guy leaves after fulfilling his incredibly lame reason for coming. That's it. The entire plot. Okay, there was also a "romantic subplot." It ended up having nothing to do with the movie, and could have been taken out wihtout noticing. Whatever. On a better note, the movie was very well made, and directed, and Tom Hanks does a fantastic job with his role, as most of the actors in the movie do. In summary: A very well made movie, but why did they bother making it?
- 2 1/2 stars
- The Day After Tomorrow
- Of course. Every year needs at least massively over-the-top one disaster movie. These movies range from fun and entertaining (Independence Day), to downright awful (Deep Impact). However, what makes this one different from the yearly ritual, is that it's based on real (if massively exagerated) science. The scenario depicted in the movie WILL happen, if the world continues in this direction, although much slower than it's shown in th movie (it will likely take around a year, rather than a few weeks, computer models show). As for the movie itself...well...it was OK. The wave was definitely disappointing, but the action was saved by a few original and fascinating scenes. The destruction, sadly, was, sparse for a disaster flick. That, and the characters never really interest you much - in fact, the plot just seems like something to carry the annihilation along in this movie. The storyline is full of cliches, and even a few "shudder" moments (aka "what **** were the playwrights on when they wrote this crap???" moments). Honestly, this movie would've been better off cut down to half an hour, with the plot removed. A special effects movie that refused to admit to being a special effects movie, tried to downplay the special effects in a weak struggle be deep, and failed miserably. I'll give it some credit, since it's based on a possibly true story, and for the few good destruction scenes it had.
- 2 stars
- Big Fish
- I walked into this movie knowing it would be fantastic. Tim Burton never disappoints (Planet of the Apes aside), and this movie is no exception. Warm, lovable characters, interesting storyline, especially the movie's hero - fantastically played by Ewan McGregor. Actually, all the actors were excellent. The movie was split into 2 parts - the real world, and the fantasy worlds. Everything about the fantasy world was fun and charming, whereas the real world was meant to be a lead ballon. The contrast was fascinating and made the movie quite enthralling. There were, of course, the classic Tim Burton signatures throughout, and as always with him, the entire movie seemed to be made with a mad scientist glee. Overall a dazzling, polished, charming and lovable movie.
- 4 1/2
Cool, I'll be keeping an eye on this list! Your Day After Tomorrow review reminded me of the best line from the various reviews I've seen: "There's hail in Japan, snow in New Delhi, and, hey, a twister just ate the Hollywood sign! Now that's entertainment -- for about 20 minutes. The other hour and 40 feel like the most expensive PowerPoint presentation ever made." (Wesley Morris, Boston Globe)
Great stuff, thanks for continuing this list! QT had nothing to do with the production of Hero though. His name was only attached by Miramax after the fact for marketing purposes.
P.S. Thank you for seeing Anacondas; now I don't have to. :-)
Thanks!
I haven't really followed my 2 per week thing though - there's no time! I've seen many more movies than just those over the summer.
Really? Quentin didn't...I thought he wrote the storyline? Oh well. Fantastic movie anyway - they didn't need to resort to a marketing trick like that.
Yes!! you like Spider-man 2 As much as me, nice too see. it really just beat the 1st one into submission, better in everyway.
(Doc Ock rules!! May he RIP..if he died that is...Mmmmuuuaaahhh!!)