Films They Can Remake, As Far As I'm Concerned (SPOILERS SPOILERS; Work in Progress)

  • STARSHIP TROOPERS--Explosions and action sequences aside, this off-pace, lame, and hammy version of of the Robert Heinlein Integalactic War novel seemed nothing like the book it was based on. Paul Verhoven is great at directing action sequences, but he needs work on story and casting decisions. The only good actor in this trash heap was Michael Ironside as the one-armed, tough-as-nails platoon leader.
  • 2. FATHER GOOSE--The original movie was a delightful wartime farce, but I'm curious to see how a contemporary cast and director would handle it. About a hard-drinking drunken, self-indulgent coast-watcher named Walter Eckland who is saddled with a frustrated French boarding school spinster and her 7 female charges, while keeping an eye on Japanese manuevers in the South Pacific during WW2. Original had Cary Grant, Leslie Caron, and Trevor Howard. Possibly have Juliette Binoche as the Spinster, George Clooney or Jeff Bridges as Eckland, and Gary Oldman or Pete Postlethwaite as the British Naval Commander who basically maroons Eckland, an authority of the Pacific Islands, for the war effort.
  • 3. THE BEGINNING OF THE END: C-Grade 1950s Sci-Fi matinee about scientists who accidently cause Locusts in rural Illinois (which looks a lot like rural California) to grow to monstrous size. Of course, they begin devouring people and causing destruction as not even the Armed Forces can stop, and the lead scientist (Played by a strapping youngPeter Graves) fights for a secret to destroy the giant bugs. My suggest, feed some of those delicious-but-artery-clogging Chicago gyros. That will at least stall them up for a good day and a half. Could think of a dozen actors to play the Graves part...Kevin Bacon. And a dozen actresses to play his love interest, a plucky reporter trying to get her scoop a la Lois Lane.
  • 4. THIS ISLAND EARTH--B 50s sci-fi matinee in which a studly scientist stumbles onto a ring of secret aliens who have lured the great scientist of the world to their stately den. The undercover aliens have big foreheads and snow white hair led by one called Exeter. Not terrible, but certainly not great. Could use a lot more excitement.
  • 5. MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: Okay, I know it's unlikely to restart the franchise at this time, but the first movie was horrible. First, you don't make the lead hero of the TV Show the villain of the movie. That's like making Captain Kirk into Khan or making Agent Mulder into The Cancer Man. Also, the Mission Impossible idea is pretty simple: you got this TEAM of brilliant con artists working together and infiltrating places. I know, the gimmicky, cloak and dagger stuff was interesting. I just felt really disappointed. The second movie grasped the idea far better than the first did.
  • 6. THE MOLE PEOPLE--Archeaologists lead by the annoying John Agar and dull Hugh Beaumont discover an autocratic culture several miles under the earth's surface. The archeaologists become liberators of mutant mole people enslaved by the society. .
  • 7. THE DEADLY MANTIS--As U.S. military affairs stretch into the frozen wastland of the Arctic and as huge icebergs begin to melt, a giant, prehistoric mantis is freed from its icy prison and begins to wreak havoc. Stiff, bad acting, some cheesy plot points and serious campiness ensue, but not bad idea for your typical giant monster thriller. Give it to Peter Jackson or Spielberg to worry about. Stars the guy who played Peter Gunn.
  • 8. THE SONS OF KATIE ELDER: I know the original with John Wayne is considered one of his most memorable movies, but it was far from perfect. A western shoot-em up about four brothers who come together to their hometown to bury and pay respects to their deceased mother, Katie Elder. The moment big brother John, (played by Wayne) a famed gunslinger, comes home, trouble starts a-brewing, and the four brothers start to investigate their father's mysterious death. Already kind of remade as The Four Brothers.
  • 9. THE MAN CALLED NOON--Based on a Louis L'Amour western about a mysterious drifter with a past as a deadly gunslinger who comes to the aid of a beauitful ranch owner to fight off rival ranchers. This one starred Richard Crenna as the title character and Stephen Boyd as the ranch foreman who assists our hero in the good fight. Wasn't that bad, but the quality and cinematography were so poor, it's kind of been discarded as one of the many forgotten westerns. I know since Unforgiven and even Close Range, people prefer their westerns to be somewhat revised and realistic and more thoughtful than yesteryear. But you can't tell me people don't like a fast-bang adrenaline ride every now and again as well.