Books Kids Should Never Have

  • How We Persecute Guam ("to persecute Guam, you will need: construction paper, glue, elbow macaroni, glitter, military force to back up your autocratic demands, and your parents' help.")
  • 101 Sex Toy Projects a Boy Can Do ("Remember, if the batteries are *too big*, you could hurt your little girl friend.")
  • It's Fun to Play With Spot's Innards
  • Let's Inhale Lead Fumes!
  • The Brandy Alexander Undress-Up Book
  • The Ponzi Rainy Day Activity Book
  • You're A Whore, Yes You Are, Dressed Like That (Part of the I Can Be A Big Girl series)
  • Britney Spears: A Child's Guide to Implants (Part of the I Can Be a Big Girl series too)
  • Paste: The Fifth Food Group
  • Arson Rhymes With Fun Fun Fun
  • I Can Pee in a Cup, Can You?
  • Biohazard Bill And The Story Of The Rusty Needle (included)
  • I Can Mail The Grocery Money To Strangers
  • How To Shut Up, Just Shut Up, Don't You Realize Only Bad Children Make Mommy Drink? (part of the "Conform, Faceless Cog" series)
  • I'll Never Tell Anyone What Daddy Did Because Then I'd Die
  • I'm Going to Hell because God Hates us All
  • Why Is Daddy Kissing the Pretty Lady Who's Not Mommy?
  • Brain Chemistry For Kids
  • I Can Fnord Read About The Illuminati All By Myself
  • How To Draw 50 Realistic State Driver's Licenses
  • What Every Child Ought to Know about... "Freebasing"
  • Learn To Draw Realistic Trauma Victims
  • You Can!(tm) Make Clay Go "Boom!"
  • The Great Big Meth Lab Rainy Day Activity Book
  • I Can Find the Clitoris All By Myself
  • The Cherish Your Innocence Because By Page 11 It'll Be Gone Forever Book
  • The Big Book Of You're Too Fat. (Part of the Cosmo For Kids series.)
  • Making Money with Little Sister
  • Easy Drug Recipes You Can Make at Home
  • 101 Things to Do with 6 D batteries
  • You Can!(tm) Be Your Own Dentist!
  • My Uncle is My Special Friend
  • You Can!(tm) Neuter Doggies and Kitties!
  • The Boy's Own Book Of Lockpicking
  • Why I Love Big Brother
  • I Want to Be a Junkie When I Grow Up
  • You Can!(tm) Be A Lumberjack! (Monty Python version)
  • My First Racing Form
  • Watching Cinemax with Daddy
  • I Have a Wee-Wee and I Don't Want It
  • No Means Yes
  • Strangers Have the Best Candy
  • The Digestive System Play-Along Activity Book
  • I Can Do what the Monkeys are Doing
  • The Philip Morris Book Of Only Mature Grown-Ups Smoke
  • You Can! (tm) Get on the Pill!
  • Listening to the Voices:101 Ways to Stop the Screaming
  • How To Not Get Tried In Adult Court For Little Lawyers.
  • Mommy's Medicine Makes Me Feel Happy
  • Daddy's Cough Syrup Tastes Funny
  • Promiscuity for Preteens
  • If They Loved You They'd Buy You Pokemon
  • 101 Things to Stick in Your Mouth
  • Pikachu Drinks Bleach and I Can Too! (with apologies to the Onion)
  • When Cartman Stubbed His Toe
  • You Can!(tm) Be a Bounty Hunter!
  • Only Father MacGregor Can Touch Me There
Author Comments: 

Sirilyan, Belgand, and I should never be on IRC together at 7am. And this only proves that fact. Props also to my friend Ben Withman for withstanding the onslaught and contributing one or two of his own.

Your list might qualify as an "abusive post", guys. A more misanthropic work I've never seen... well, not at TL. Keep this in mind: media publicity doesn't make the bad guys the majority.

I would like to see other comments on this before I throw my $0.02 into the fray.

As the posting author, and as a contributor to the list:

I can honestly state that it was NOT our intention to be irresponsible contributors to the Listology. Those items which are humorous (and people will debate me on the humor of *any* item, I'm sure) were intended in the spirit of the Onion, which did a very similar list as an Infographic not terribly long ago.

And it's not a comfortable list, by any means; as Sirilyan says, it's dark humor. It's misanthropic and tasteless-- and yes, it occasionally crosses the very fine line between "tasteless" and "downright offensive." My tolerance for a lot of things that would automatically disgust or offend others is frighteningly high, however; it's a result of life experience ("Learn to Draw Realistic Trauma Victims" came from my own experiences in a First Responder class a few years back, for instance).

Sirilyan has expressed to me (and now to the Listology as a whole, in his post) that he doesn't wish to be a controversialist. I agree with him wholeheartedly on this point-- and more than that, I've no wish for this list to be the test case for the Listology's admirably even-handed policy about questionable items. I have other sites; it can always be moved and hosted elsewhere, or edited to community satisfaction here.

I'm agin censorship. Really, I am. So I wouldn't argue that the list ought not be published anywhere. As to whether it should be published here, that's completely Jim's call - I'll happily accept his decision. And I'm not averse to dark or even 'sick' humour, as I think my lists reveal.
My response to strong misanthropy, however, is that it springs from a mistakenly narrow assessment of the human animal. We have accomplished wonders and are capable of at least as much good as evil.

Yes, it's quite misanthropic. Is that a criticism, or a statement of personal taste?

While this isn't typical Listology fare (I also don't recall any scenes in The Matrix where someone sold bullets to Neo), I do feel there's some humor in here, and will probably need to (gladly) take the rap for a few of the items you found offensive. People with low opinions of humanity tend to resonate with me; it's part of the reason I read The Onion, and have avoided Welcome to the Dollhouse as much as possible, because it harmonizes far too well with me. Todd Solondz would write children's books like these.

Still, I've got no real interest in being a controversialist. This is an attempt at humor; it's quite dark; and it's not typical Listfare. Won't argue with any of those three things. If the list needs to be edited for any of these reasons, I'll choose which of my contributions I think should be cut (or perhaps even if it doesn't; several are unnecessarily mean without sufficient comedic value). If it needs to go away for any of these reasons, I've no problem with the fact that it should be hosted somewhere else.

i can't believe how worked up everyone is about this... this list is FUNNY. end of story.

Everyone has been very reasonable and level-headed. I wouldn't expect anything less from the good-looking, intelligent, witty, well-rounded inhabitants of The Listology.

As noted, tasteless humor is a tough issue simply because opinions will vary widely as to whether something is funny or offensive (see bertie's and carmen's comments to view this statement in action).

Does tasteless humor have a place in the world? Certainly. Is it appropriate in every situation? Certainly not ("y'know, sometimes after you put them in the ground they spring back to life"). Is is appropriate here? Uhhh . . .

As a very broad generalization, I like to view The Listology as a PG-13 kind of place. Mature enough that adults can have meaningful conversations and throw in the occasional 4-letter word and off-color reference, but restrained enough that a parent wouldn't mind their adolescent surfing through unmonitored. Whether or not this will be reasonable or possible if The Listology becomes wildly popular is another story. But for now, it's small enough that we can have conversations like this as the need arises.

So, this specific list . . .

I'd say it's an "R" list, and would vote for editing it. I'm not mandating editing it; it's just my vote. I suggest this as much for tightening it up as for softening it (the funny stuff would be funnier if it weren't mixed in with the throwaway lines (which lines are "throwaway lines" is highly subjective, I imagine (I feel like Jeffrey Jones in Amadeus: "It has too many notes." "Well which ones would you like me to remove?" Or something like that.)))

I continue to reserve the right to delete pornographic or abusive material, but would rather save that honor for a more clear-cut case.

This has been an interesting conversation for me, because I really enjoy the other Listology contributions of the participants. I even enjoy some of the items on this list. :) Anyway, I'll drift off into inaudible mumbling now . . .

Anybody else care to chime in?

I'll talk to Sirilyan tonight and we'll clear some deadwood and some iffy entries. I'd like to thank everyone for being level-headed and honest, just as I'd hoped... :)

I was offended - not intensely, but somewhat - by the over-all tone of the list. But, hey, no one was ever harmed by being offended. On the other hand, let me suggest that we can be harmed by NOT being offended. What I mean is, if nothing offends us, if everything is "just funny - end of story", that might be very open-minded of us, but we are likely to find that sooner or later some of those things that didn't offend us are going to sneak up behind us and tear us a new arsehole.

Since TL is a democracy-until-something-REALLY- offensive-comes-along...I vote for leaving the list as is. As I said, I'm agin censorship, even democratic censorship.