Top 75 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

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  1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
  2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
  3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
  4. Call a Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
  5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?", and let the doors close.
  6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
  7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
  8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
  9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
  10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
  11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
  12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
  13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
  14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again."
  15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
  16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
  17. Call out "Group Hug!", then enforce it.
  18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
  19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
  20. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off, ever.
  21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
  22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
  23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
  24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
  26. Draw a little circle around yourself on the floor and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
  27. Put police tape in front of the door before entering.
  28. Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you.
  29. Hold an auction.
  30. Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.
  31. Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male.
  32. Throw a rave.
  33. Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."
  34. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
  35. Hum the first seven notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.
  36. When you brush past someone, whisper "Was it good for you too?"
  37. Lean over to another rider and whisper "Noogie patrol coming!"
  38. Have a heated debate with yourself.
  39. Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.
  40. Drum on every available surface.
  41. Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.
  42. Stroke your chin and ask other passengers to tell you about their mothers.
  43. Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.
  44. Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.
  45. Propose to the other passengers.
  46. Challenge people to duels.
  47. Sell girl scout cookies.
  48. Bring a large pile of ice. Build a small igloo on the floor.
  49. Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."
  50. Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.
  51. Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a light.
  52. Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out" for the weekend.
  53. Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers.
  54. Shout "Food fight!"
  55. Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"
  56. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  57. Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.
  58. Do Riverdance.
  59. Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"
  60. Make sushi.
  61. Press your nose against the other passengers, and say "You know, this is what the Eskimos used to do before having sex."
  62. Shave.
  63. Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.
  64. Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.
  65. Practice kung fu.
  66. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
  67. Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"
  68. Fly a model airplane.
  69. Do yoga.
  70. Play the accordion.
  71. Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.
  72. Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.
  73. Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.
  74. Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."
  75. Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word.
  76. Ask someone "guess what?" When they respond with "what?," say "guess what?" again. Repeat until the person responds angrily, then say "I was only asking a question." Then start talking loudly to someone else in the elevator about "how some people really need to learn how to control their temper." [thanks to haha_random]
  77. Ask someone if they have an extra pair of underwear with them. Tell them it's just because you have a disorder that causes uncontrollable bowel movements whenever you stop or start moving suddenly, and you forgot to pack your "elevator panties." [thanks to haha_random]
  78. Sit in the corner, rocking back and forth, muttering to yourself in a loop "And when it finishes going down it goes up and people get on but when they get on they always get off and the ones getting off are never the ones getting on and the doors open but they always close but when the doors close no one gets on and it goes down and when it finishes going down it goes up..." [inspired by haha_random]
  79. I will admit, they're not all great...
  80. Suggestions would be awesome though! As well as ideas on a)how to fix the ones that don't work, and b)which ones to get rid of altogether.
Author Comments: 

Baker came up with the first 26 of these (or took them from a chain letter, I'm not sure, but I don't really care), I just had so many suggestions that I decided it would be worthwhile to clone and add.

Hahaha! Awesome job, man. Gave me some very good laughs.

As did you, with your first 26 :) :) :) Laughed my ass off reading them...

Glad you enjoy the additions :)

Green Eggs and Ham made me think of this list. I laughed my shpadoinkle off.

Let me just state for the record that I have a great deal of respect for the American Armed Forces. In fact, if true, this list only serves to deepen that respect.

"SPC Schwarz was stationed with the Army in the Balkans. He was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about almost 200 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a list."

1. Not allowed to watch South Park when I'm supposed to be working.
2 .My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to an officer.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
15. God may not contradict any of my orders.
16. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
17. May not call any officers immoral untrustworthy lying slime, even if I'm right.
18. Must not taunt the French any more.
19. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
20. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
21. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
22. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
23. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
24. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'
25. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
26. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
27. Not allowed to wake an NCO by repeated blows to the head with a bag of trash.
28. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
29. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
30. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
31. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
32. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
33. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
34. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa' and not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
35. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' and not 'Sugar Daddy'.
36. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
37. I do not have super-powers.
38. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
39. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
40. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
41. I am not the atheist chaplain.
42. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
43. I am not authorized to fire officers.
44. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other forty-nine lesser states.
45. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
46. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
47. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
48. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
49. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
50. Not allowed to quote Full Metal Jacket at the rifle range.
51. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
52. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
53. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
54. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
55. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
56. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
57. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
58. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'.
59. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
60. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
61. There are no evil clowns living under my bunk.
62. There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
63. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
64. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'.
65. May not pretend to be a facist Imperial Stormtrooper on the Death Star, while on duty.
66. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
67. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
68. No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.
69. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
70. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
71. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
72. I may not call block my chain of command.
73. I am neither the king nor the queen of cheese.
74. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
75. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
76. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about..."
77. Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.
78. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
79. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
80. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
81. Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
82. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
83. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
84. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is not appropriate.
85. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
86. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
87. 'Redneck Zombies is not a military training aid.
88. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
89. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
90. A smiley face must not used to mark a minefield.
91. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
92. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
93. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the Civil War, and I should stop implying that he did.
94. Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine bottle is not a good combination.
95. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
96. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
97. Must not mock command decisions in front of officers who outrank me.
98. Must not mock command decisions.
99. Must not mock.
100. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's.
101. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
102. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
103. Never, ever attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
104. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
105. There is absolutely no need to emulate a scene from The Full Monty every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
106. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
107. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
108. Crucifying mice - "bad idea".
109. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
110. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires and therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
111. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
112. I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.
113. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
114. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
115. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
116. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
117. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
118. I cannot arrest children for being ugly.
119. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack Daniels IV is acceptable.
120. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
121. The Microsoft "Dancing Paperclip" is not authorized to countermand any orders.
122. "I'm drunk" is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
123. No dancing in the turret.
124. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
125. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
126. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
127. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole f**king village!' while out on a mission is bad.
128. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform while messily drunk.
129. Even if my commander did it.
130. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
131. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
132. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
133. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
134. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
135. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
136. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke.
137. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
138. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
139. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
140. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
141. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, a box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights or Chem-Light batteries.
142. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
143. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
144. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
145. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
146. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
147. The revolution is not now.
148. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
149. No part of the military uniform is edible.
150. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
151. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
152. Take that hat off.
153. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
154. I do not get 'that time of month'.
155. No, the pants are not optional.
156. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
157. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
158. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'.
159. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
160. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
161. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
162. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
163. Furby is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
164. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
165. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
166. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
167. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
168. Pokemon trainer is not an MOS.
169. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
170. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups.
171. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
172. I am not the Emperor of anything.
173. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
174. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
175. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
176. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
177. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
178. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
179. The Masons and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
180. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
181. Shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
182. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
183. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
184. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
185. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
186. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
187. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
188. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant.
189. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*.
190. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
191. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
192. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
193. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
SPC Schwarz, thank you for your service.

Hilarious.

Make your own list with that, that's amazing.

Shout out loud in the elevtor," YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY TOO?" and start making out with your left shoulder. Tee Hee Hee.

lol! Oh my other lists...

I have to say this - you probably have by far the strongest sense of sarcastic humour. (and that's a big compliment). :)

Well thank you :) (no sarcasm, seriously, I do take that as a large compliment)

Hey, I got some cool ones u can use

sing loudly "ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI, ALL COVERED WITH CHEESE, I LOST MY POOR MEAT BALL, WHEN SOMEBODY SNEEZED..."

walk calmly into the elevator saying "this is my first time on one." then wait until the doors close and bang on the doors and walls screaming loudly, "HEEEELLLPPP! LET ME OOOOOOOOUUUUTTTT!"

jump up and down when the elevator goes down or up laughing and shouting "POTATOES!!!!!" repeatedly

make a random sound when somebody starts talking acting mad and not wanting anyone to talk

pretend like you are sick and say "I think I am going to throw up" weakly

go to the floor farthest away from you and walk out every time somebody comes in on the way to the floor you were going to go on. then when you walk out a few steps, run back saying "WAIT DOORS! DONT CLOSE YET! I'M ON THE WRONG FLOOR!"

make random animal sounds

pretend like you are crying, press all the buttons, and say "I WANT ONE!" to another person standing next to you

ask of someone has an extra pair of underwear with them

ask someone if they want to see your wenis (elbow skin)

bring a small pinecone with you on the elevator and say "its ok George, its alright" to the pinecone while holding it near your face, rubbing it

ask someone "guess what?" they will say what. say "guess what?" again. repeat the question over and over and when they shout "WHAT!!!!!!!!!"
say "I was just asking a question!" while acting scared

act like a psycho person, rocking your head back and forth while smiling absently, sitting in the corner of the elevator

I can add a couple of those, yeah. Thanks.

How about when some one is about to get on, press the close door button so the door closes in their face

Or when its just you in the lift proclaim there is not enough room for anyone else when more people try to get on.

or..... pick your mobile up and pretend to be speaking to your girl/boyfriend and go "no you hang up, no you hang up....you didnt hang up either..,no you hang up" over and over again

You are a victim of your own pet peeve. Check out #21, which is hilarious btw.

Ah! I have to fix that.
An even bigger pet peeve of mine is when I personally write "your" instead of you're.

Suggestion! add, stand in front of the button panel, when someone needs to press on, ask them what floor, and then rub up against the panel carelessly pressing all of the buttons, also, create an awkward moment by making out in front of the button panel

add this, bring a hand held tape recorder with you and hold it up while saying the date, time, and then "im afraid this may be my last entry."

Ok, I have something that you could put on here... When your alone in an elevator with someone just start dancing randomly (personal dance party)!!!! Haha!!

Stand in front of the button panel and when someone try's to press a button, say in a serious voice, "Password?"

When your in an elevator with someone else, giggle randomly and say, "Oh stop it, you"

Start grinding on the person next to you

When it's raining outside, stand in the middle of the elevator with your hands in your pockets and look side to side, then burst out singing "It's raining man", especially if your a guy!!

Wen someone walks in, smile brightly at them and say, "Hey! I haven't seen you in so long!"

Randomly sing Don't Stop Believin'.

Give the people in the elevator a pep talk as if they are the high school football team, and you are the coach.

Sit on the floor and when someone walks in, butt-scooch over to them, hug their leg, and whisper in a creepy voice, "Mine!"

Start telling the people in the elevator the story of your life.

Randomly name the seven dwarves from Snow White.

Ask people if they prefer coke or Pepsi.

Start talking to someone and never stop, even if they get off...

Start talking about how you're going to win the lottery.

Sit in a corner, arms holding your knees, and whisper to one of them (the knees) that soon it will just be the two of you..

Bring a water gun and start spraying the passengers.

Walk up to a stranger and comfortingly place a hand on their shoulder, telling them its gonna be okay, and you will never leave their side.

Tell a passenger, "Hey, wanna come to my place for some brunch? There will be Kool-Aid..."

Ask them what their favorite t.v. Show is then start a heated argument, telling them that they are lying.

Sit in the middle of the elevator, holding your knees, and start singing Christmas carols.

Stand off to the side and start playing an instrument. When people ask you what you are doing, tell them, "Oh, I'm just settin the mood," and continue playing.

change 67 i belive to "Are you my mummy?"

Since the dawn of time....