Darktremor's list of really bad advice
Submitted by darktremor on Tue, 02/22/2005 - 10:18
- Ways to sink you life and bring others down with you: A silly list I made at 3:00 AM when I was bored and couldn't sleep.Eat your own feces at work. Tell people it’s because you “don’t take shit from anyone but yourself.”
- The sharper and more dangerous-looking the object, the more likely it is to be edible.
- Answer the phone with an assertive “STOP RINGING AT ME!!!!” Then hang up.
- Everyone loves a village idiot.
- Put all your eggs in one basket
- Ask strangers if they want to see your glass clown collection.
- Be “the smelly kid in class”
- Start a slinky up at the top of every stairway before going down it. If it stops partway down, spend the rest of the day giving it motivational speeches. When people glare at you, shout “It must be wonderful being so perfect!!!” and go off on a rant about how kids these days have no respect for the crippled.
- Operate a phone sex line from your cell.
- During class, lovingly shout “You feel the same way too?,” then start making out with your left shoulder.
- Have a good cry in public every now and then.
- Sexual experimentation is a great way to pass the time in public.
- Profess your undying love to strangers.
- Do number 14 in conjunction with 13.
- When viewing your friends possessions, always remember: If they didn’t want you to take it, they would’ve chained it down.
- Sign up for your school talent show. Tell them you’re going to demonstrate your “most natural talent”. On arriving, perform “The Best of the Kama Sutra.”
- Break the ice at an Anti-Semitism Awareness Rally by dressing up as Hitler and reading a few favorite passages from “Mein Kampf.”
- When at a party, suddenly look really afraid, and when everyone notices, scream “Help me! Help me! The scaries are coming! The scaries!!!!!”
- Before entering any elevator, cover the entrance with police tape.
- Bring a bowling ball into your friend’s bathroom. Make extremely loud groaning and grunting sounds for 30 seconds. Then, take the bowling ball six feet above the toilet. Drop bowling ball. Then, at the top of your lungs, shout, “FUCK!!! I’m never ordering Mexican again!!!”
- Become sexually attracted to inanimate objects. For example, become attracted to a Ferrari. Consummate your feelings. When the owner of said Ferrari sees you in action, and comes to beat you senseless, apologize, and say, “Sorry sir, next time I’ll use protection.”
- Start a plant care company. On arriving at your clients’ houses, tell them the best fertilizer is “Au Natural,” and take a dump in one of their flowerpots.
- When asked to speak at a Vegetarian's Convention, wear a full body fur suit and give a speech entitled “The Pleasures of Killing and Maiming Helpless Little Animals.”
- End every phrase with “in bed.”
- Visit a foreign country with fake bombs strapped to your chest. Ask the man at the border for directions to the US embassy.
- When in a warzone, always remember that camouflage is the best defense. Wear a dartboard into battle.
- Introduce yourself with: “Hi. My name is [Insert name here]”, then motion to the air beside you and say: “this is my friend Bob, great guy once you get past his violent tendencies.” While talking to your new acquantance, occasionally whack him in the back of the head. When he gets angry at you, look really innocent and point to the spot you introduced as Bob.
- Take your most Catholic relative to a department store. Tell her you’ve gained new respect for religion, and want to celebrate your enlightenment. Come home with 30 Bibles and a lighter.
- During the question period of every event, ask "What if it happened to a sponge?"
- If data CDs weren't meant to be thrown, they wouldn't have shaped them like frisbees.
- Swearing at formal events shows you are tough.
- After a speech, ask the speaker if you can sample him on your upcoming techno album. Tell him it's titled "Dry and boring meets the dancefloor."
- Nothing makes a sexy atmosphere like Limited Edition Dungeons and Dragons.
- Your screensaver is an epic miniseries.
- Screamer metal was practically MADE for wedding processions.
- When planning a relative's funeral, minimalism is your best bet. Don't order flowers, you'll get the idea across with a nice empty vase. No need for an expensive, overpriced coffin: there is, after all, such a thing as a cardboard box. And don't bother with limousines, day passes on public transit will do the trick. Or better yet, go all the way, and throw the funeral on the bus itself. Who needs a priest when you've got a driver?
- For your own funeral, invite only your mother and 80 look-alikes of yourself.
- If you were meant to actually drive the car, they wouldn't have invented cruise control. When behind the wheel, just sit back and enjoy the ride.
- Upon meeting anyone's parents, give them a pamphlet on birth control "to prevent further disaster."
- Human beings are shaped quite a bit like throwing darts. Act accordingly.
- Urinate in the sink. Wash your hands in the toilet.
- When driving in a car, always sit near a rolldown window so you can put your head outside. When doing this in the winter, loudly complain about how your teeth are cold.
- Nothing says “I love you” like stapling underpants to your wife’s face.
- I don't know how good this is, many are likely incredibly stupid, but I'm sure there's at least one or two gems buried in there.
- I'd like some suggestions of things to add (or take off, some are probably just downright irritating), though. That would be really great! :)
Just a silly list I made at 3:00 when I was bored and couldn't sleep.