The Muppet Matrix

When it comes to the Muppets I'm a strict constructionalist. It helps that I dislike Disney (with a capital 'dis.') So I had problems... problems that arise out of love.

I like the idea and the time it must have taken but I'd definitely like to make some changes.

If you believe in the idea of the trinity (with a lower case 't') then Neo is Kermit, Trinity is Miss Piggy and then Morpheus has to be Fozzie. That doesn't really work for me.

But the biggest problem is guns. Muppets should never have guns... unless they are lobster banditti rescuing an amigo.

Gonzo as agent Smith kinda works but then nobody else should be Agent Smith... certainly not Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. I do enjoy the idea of Beaker's "Mee mee mee" getting even higher in pitch during bullet time. Going strictly by looks (and voice) Dr. Teeth should be Morpheus but, if Fozzie already has the role, he has to be the Oracle. This means that the Electric Mayhem is in the waiting room and Janice gets to tell Kermit that, "There is no spoon."

Rizzo is absolutely perfect as Cypher: "You know, I know this cheese doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is tasty and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize?... Ignorance is bliss."

Rowlf gets bumped down to Commander Lock, Robin and Sweetums are Dozer and Tank, Scooter is Link, Sam the Eagle runs the council, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker become The Keymaker... and there are never enough female Muppets. I haven't seen The Matrix Revolutions but there have to be roles for Statler & Waldorf, Johnny Fiamma and Sal, Clifford, the Swedish Chef and, most of all, Pepe the King Prawn.

While I may be obsessed I'm not a total prude. I am working on a James Bond script for the Muppets (or vice versa.) The working title is The Frog Who Loved Me... or OctoPiggy. I think it would help rejuvenate both franchises.

And I loved Muppets With Attitude.