My Favorite (Clean) Jokes and a Philosophical Limerick

PLEASE NOTE that I'm only guilty of repeating these jokes, I didn't create them. I do tell them rather well, though :-)

1. An Englishman captured in Nazi-controlled France was brought before the local chief of the Gestapo. When questioned, all he would say was "Tick, tick, tick, tick..." Finally the Nazi said, "Enough off ziss! Ve haf vays off making you tock!"

2. A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

3. An American husband and wife of Russian descent had often vacationed in Russia and had made several friends there. Even though the Soviet Union was no more, they often jokingly referred to the old regime by calling their friends such names as 'red devils' and being called such names as 'capitalist hyenas' in good- natured return.

On one occasion they were visiting a region of Russia new to them and were surprised to meet up with Rudolph Valenkovski, one of their oldest and best acquaintances in that country. At the time of their meeting, all three were crossing a large square and weather conditions were becoming decidedly damp.

After the exchange of warm greetings - "Well, if it isn't Mr. and Mrs. Bourgeois Bloodsucker!" and "Rudi, you bitter old Bolshevik!" - the husband remarked on the heavy mist that had suddenly descended on the square.

"Mist? Oh, no - in these parts this counts as rain," Valenkovski replied.

"Surely not," the American insisted; "this is undoubtedly just a mist, though the droplets are quite large."

Knowing that both her husband and Valenkovski had the same stubborn dislike of compromising in such minor conversational disagreements, the wife decided to prevent a long and boring argument before it got started. Turning to her husband with her best 'I mean it!' facial expression she said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

4. Question: If walls could speak, what would they say?

Answer: "Floor, you give 'em the low down. Ceiling, you give 'em the highlights. I'll give 'em the straight up 'n down."

There once was a man who said, "Damn!
It's apparent to me that I am
A vehicle that moves
In predestinate grooves;
I'm not even a bus, I'm a tram!"